I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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