I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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