Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
