Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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