You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
