my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
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