Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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