You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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