Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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