bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
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I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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