I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
