I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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