we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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