Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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