U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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