He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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