I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
