She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
