The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
