how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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