It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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