I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
