I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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