My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You can't just leave with hair like that
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Randomize
