omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
