I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're like the curious george of whores
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
