Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
