Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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