Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
