Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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