his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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