I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
