Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
