Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
