I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and she was petting her beer can
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
