White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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