I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
