to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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