bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The power of my boobs compel you
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
