remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
