My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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