Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
