you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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