I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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