Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
