I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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