i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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