i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
