you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
