anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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