he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
