I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
