Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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