I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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