I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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