it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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